


I Like You

by fearobin



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-10
Updated: 2017-07-23
Packaged: 2018-11-30 11:20:00
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 8,934
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11462508
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fearobin/pseuds/fearobin
Summary: "I'm sorry I can't return your feelings."We weren't dating. He didn't like me back. We were still 'best friends'.





	1. Saturday

God only knows how long I spent gathering tiny fragments of courage to utter those words.

"I like you."

The moment I said them, I instantly regretted it. I hated the way the syllables tasted on my tongue.

It was sour.

It was something I wasn't supposed to be saying.

The sky that had been a dazzling haze of orange watercolour was now a passionate and dangerous red, blinding me and staining my pale skin with irate burns. I had wanted this to be important, special - beautiful even, but it had turned as ugly as I felt standing in front of him.

He was staring at me with wide eyes. I knew that expression. I knew them all. He wasn't pleasantly surprised, but rather he didn't know how to react.

He didn't know how to reject me kindly.

Of course that was the way he would go about it. _Kindly._

I would rather he had hated me, hit me, screamed at me for ruining our friendship with those stupid words. If I had gone so long without saying them already, why did it have to be now? Why did I ever have to say them?

I wished I could answer hypothetical Yamaguchi's cries, but truthfully I didn't know why I wanted to tell him.

I didn't know why I just _had._

"Tsukki," he began, before I cut him off.

"It's okay," I stated, blankly as I could muster, clenching my fist tightly around the bouquet I had intended to give to him. "It's fine."

It wasn't fine at all. I couldn't have imagined a greater pain than that of the wound I had just inflicted on our relationship. He wouldn't ever want to see me again after this.

"I'm sorry I can't return your feelings." Dropping and looking away from me, his eyes looked genuinely brimming with sadness. I wanted to reach out and hold him. That would've been okay before this. _Friends hug. We hug._ But now, I knew I couldn't. "We should talk about it."

"There's nothing to talk about," I said flatly. "That's all I had to say."

"But-"

"But what?"

"It's important to talk about how you feel!"

 _No it isn't._ I had just told him how I felt and it had brought me nothing. In fact, it had taken from me.

"I just did." I almost felt the flowers wilting in my hand - dying. Petals floated to the ground and disintegrated on the concrete.

"This doesn't have to change anything between us, Tsukki." Liar. "You're still my best friend, no matter what!" I wanted to believe his bright smile, but it looked forced.

"I know."

I had wanted to say something kinder, but I wouldn't let myself. I had to reconstruct the fence that I had foolishly allowed Yamaguchi into the boundaries of. Nothing good ever comes from getting too involved.

I should've listened to my own advice.

"I guess you want to be alone," - _you guessed right_ \- "So, I'm going to... go home. Thanks for today, Tsukki. See you on Monday." Right. Today was Saturday. I had a whole day free to wallow in the consequences of my actions before finally being blessed with the distraction of school. Fantastic.

He didn't hug me before he left. He usually did.

I wondered if that was because he didn't want to touch me or if he thought I didn't want to be touched. I wondered if it made any difference.

He did, however, keep glancing behind himself to look back at me with a concerned face. I willed him to just keep walking. I didn't want his pity. I didn't know what I wanted from him anymore.

Friendship would be painful now. Perhaps it would just be easier to break it off?

Never seeing Yamaguchi again had previously sounded like a fate worse than death, but now it sounded like freedom. I didn't think I would be able to handle seeing him everyday with the knowledge that he had rejected me.

How cruel and selfish of me to force this upon him. What right did I have to destroy our friendship with my 'feelings'? Now he would have to carry this burden as well.

I scrunched my face up, locking any tears behind a barricade. I had no right to be upset.

Upon realising I was still standing there, I began to trudge back towards my house, grabbing my phone from my pocket when it vibrated.

 **From: Kuroo**  
howd it go? ;)

God. I had almost forgotten who I had told about my plans for today. Glaring at the winking emote, I typed my blunt response.

 **To: Kuroo**  
shit.

I didn't want to talk to him, but it was only fair. He had helped me prepare for this day for too long of a time period to admit without being embarrassed. He had suggested taking Yamaguchi out for the day before telling him. Apparently that had worked with Kenma.

Yamaguchi wasn't Kenma.

I wanted to punch myself.

This wasn't some kind of dating sim where there was a right and a wrong way to do something romantic for someone. Everyone wants different things, and the only thing that 'works' is mutual feelings. Feelings he didn't have.

 **From: Kuroo**  
what do u mean?

 **To: Kuroo**  
he doesn't like me.

 **From: Kuroo**  
nice joke tsukki

I felt sick reading that name.

 **To: Kuroo**  
don't.

 **From: Kuroo**  
have you seen the way he looks at you???  
he follows you everywhere too  
also NO OFFENCE BUT he puts up with all your bs lol  
so if he really doesnt like you wtf ?

 **To: Kuroo**  
he just told me he doesn't, so that's the end of it.

 **From: Kuroo**  
theres more to it!

 **To: Kuroo**  
there isn't. thanks anyway.

Stuffing my phone back into my pocket, I ignored its following buzzes and continued home.

"Welcome back," my mother beamed as I entered. "What a lovely bouquet!" She took it from me and carefully admired each flower individually. They looked beautiful in bloom in her hands as opposed to rotting in mine.

"For your new vase," I lied. Her face lit up.

"Thank you so much, Kei. They're perfect." They were. That's why I had bought them for him. I simply nodded in response.

I loved my mother, but she wasn't very good at noticing how I felt. It was both a blessing and a curse; I wasn't really the type to share my emotions, but sometimes you need the comfort of a parent or guardian, especially your mother. I could only blame myself, as I was the one who hid everything anyway. If I never showed anything to her, how was she meant to know? She wasn't psychic.

"Akiteru is in the garden, waiting for you." Oh, yeah. He was visiting. Today's tragedy had completely obliterated my long term memory, apparently. "Be nice!"

As I paced through our house to the back door, I noticed the faint aroma of a stew from the kitchen. Akiteru's favourite. I wanted to cry.

"Hey," was all I could manage upon arriving outside. Sighing to myself, I sat down on the decking and watched him throwing a volleyball around. He seemed much happier now.

I couldn't decide how I felt about that.

We made small talk for a bit, before I was punched with the, "You were with Yamaguchi today?"

_Of course I was. Who else would I go out to see?_

"Yeah."

"He's good?"

"He's... good, yeah."

"You're good?" He stopped throwing the volleyball and turned to face me. As much as I wished against it, I locked eyes with him and received that knowing look. _Great. Even my brother can tell I just got rejected._

"Yeah."

"Nothing happened?"

"Nothing happened."

I wondered for a second why it didn't sound like a lie, before realising that was just it.

We weren't dating. He didn't like me back. We were still 'best friends'.

Nothing _had_ happened.


	2. Sunday

**From: Hinata**  
sleepober party@mine tsukishma!!! you free tonighht?

I frowned at not just his typing style.

 **To: Hinata**  
it's a school night.

 **From: Hinata**  
NO SLEEP WE DIE LIKE MEN

 **To: Hinata**  
exactly. i have a life to live, thanks, unlike you.

 **From: Hinata**  
when we go down we must go down together tsukishima. its just ONE nighttt!!!!!!!!pleeeeeeeeaaaaseeeeeeeeeeeeeee

 **To: Hinata**  
i can't sit through maths with a hangover.

 **From: Hinata**  
yamaguchi is coming

Was I that obvious?

 **To: Hinata**  
so?

 **From: Hinata**  
SOOOO its your CHANCE idiot!!!

 **To: Hinata**  
chance for what?

 **From: Hinata**  
WHatever stingy keep pretending we all dont know. 7pm be at mine!!!

 **To: Hinata**  
i look forward to hearing all about it tomorrow.

 **From: Hinata**  
nah youll come!

He was probably right.

I felt like getting drunk, but I didn't feel like getting drunk with Yamaguchi in the vicinity. I didn't want him to see me anymore. But, unfortunately...

"Kei! Yamaguchi is here!" I practically fell out of bed at my mother's call from downstairs.

 _What do you mean, Yamaguchi is here? I'm not even dressed properly._ I was in some stupidly oversized (but comfortable) sweatpants and a plain t-shirt I had worn to sleep the night before. Just what did he think he was doing here so early and unannounced?

When had I cared about what I looked like in my own home, anyway?

I wondered if it was because I liked him or because I knew he didn't like me. I wondered if it made any difference.

He had been in my room countless times before. This time would be like any other day.

Except it wasn't any other day, it was the day after he had rejected me.

Amazing.

"Knock knock," he said aloud as he tapped my bedroom door. _Cute._

"You can come in," I called. I watched as the handle hesitantly rattled and Yamaguchi stepped inside my room. Every time he was here, I always noted how he appeared to belong there, almost as if he blended into the furniture. Not in a way that I didn't notice him, but in the sense that he was a necessity.

This time he just looked a bit uncomfortable.

"Hi, Tsukki."

"You're here early."

"Yeah... I wanted to see you." I grabbed my glasses from my bedside table and forcefully shoved them onto my face, hiding any potential blush with my hand.

 _Why?_ I wanted to ask. _Why the hell would you want to see me now?_ But all that came out was, "Okay."

"I don't know why," he smiled, closing the door behind him and perching himself on the bean bag at the end of my bed. Way to read my mind, as always. "Did you get Hinata's text?"

"I got it."

"You're coming, right?"

"We have school tomorrow." I avoided the question. In truth, I didn't know whether I wanted to go or not.

"Please come." He seemed smaller than he was, curled up on the bean bag. He was so cute it was hard to look away.

_I really, stupidly like him._

"Let me get dressed, and I'll think about it," I sighed, rooting through my drawers for a decent shirt, before heading to the door.

"Tsukki," his voice stopped me. "Where are you going?"

"To the bathroom." I said, like it was nothing. We both knew it wasn't.

"Why?"

"To get changed."

"We get changed in front of each other all the time. You don't have to go into the bathroom." He sounded so innocent and kind.

He didn't want anything to change between us, but things had changed for me. He wanted things to stay the same. I hated that I couldn't do that for him.

I closed the door behind me, as if he was going to follow.

"Yeah, I do."

* * *

Somehow, I ended up walking to Hinata's at quarter past seven.

I was late.

Yamaguchi wanted me to go, and reluctantly I was forced to acknowledge that there were very few things I wouldn't have done if he told me to.

Contrary to popular belief, it was me who 'followed him around'.

It was, more often than not, me who asked to meet up, and who waited for him after classes. I had suggested walking to school in the mornings, and to do homework together on Wednesday evenings.

Initially I thought I liked the routine Yamaguchi gave me. I hung out with him because that's what we'd always done and so that's what felt right to me.

It had felt right for a different reason.

He always seemed more than happy to oblige, though, which is possibly what left me with that faint hope that he might like me, too.

A hope that was now completely obliterated.

_Since I've probably dragged him into more than one situation he didn't particularly care for, it's only right for me to obey when he wants to do something._

That was a lie.

I just loved being around him.

I threw that thought behind me like it was a rusty nail. I was not about to allow the fence I was reconstructing around my heart to be put at risk of collapse so easily.

Yamaguchi stood under a streetlamp outside Hinata's house. His gorgeous hair was glowing numerous shades of brown under the light, and the freckles on his face were clear. _He's so beautiful._ I grimaced. _Fence._

"Hey."

"Tsukki! You're here."

"Why aren't you inside?" I huffed. "You'll catch a cold."

"I wanted to wait for you!"

"You should've gone in." I was secretly happy to see him there. I prayed it wasn't showing.

"Yeah," he smiled softly. "But now we can go in together!"

"What's the difference?" There was a huge difference. He just continued smiling at me.

Upon entering, we were instantly swarmed by various Karasuno members, drinks were shoved into our palms, and music blasted into our ears. I stared down at the red plastic cup in my hand and immediately regretted coming.

Yamaguchi was quickly whisked away to dance with Sugawara, so it wasn't even like I could talk to anyone either. I just stared at my pathetic reflection in the dark liquid.

 _What's with those eye bags?_ I was tired.

 _A piece of my hair is sticking out._ That was just how my hair was.

 _Are those... spots?_ They were probably bubbles.

"There's a depressed guy in your drink," came a harsh voice. Kageyama.

"Observant," I mocked, downing some of said drink so I no longer had to think about it. "Pretty sure there's one in yours, too."

"Haven't checked." He smirked, leaning against the kitchen counter so he was standing opposite me. It felt unusual seeing him in such casual clothes - black jeans, and a navy t-shirt which was slightly too tight. _Hinata's probably enjoying that._ Dare I say he looked... nice?

Alcohol ran raw down my throat. _That useless little tangerine knows I hate this flavour, and he still gave it to me._ I made a mental note to intimidate Hinata when I saw him.

"What do you want, anyway?" I muttered, trying to hide my disgust at what had just unfortunately entered my digestive system.

"An alliance."

I blinked. "The fuck is that supposed to mean? Do I want to know?"

"We're in the same boat."

"How, exactly?"

Kageyama nodded in the direction of Hinata and Yamaguchi, who were both laughing so hard it sounded like they were going to burst. _Oh._

Turning back to Kageyama, I smirked. "So, by _alliance,_ you mean you want a _friend_ to talk to about your _feelings._ And you've come to _me_ of all people." He looked a bit uncomfortable, but his glare did not leave my face. "Hinata's right. You are an idiot."

"Maybe. But I'm also right."

"You're not."

"How?"

"We are _not_ in the same boat," I spat bitterly. He tilted his head in confusion, encouraging me to continue. " _He,_ " I jabbed a finger at Hinata across the room, "likes you back."

"You're telling me Yamaguchi doesn't like you?" He almost laughed. I just stared at him. "Wait - you're being serious? You asked him out?"

"I don't really know what I did. Whatever it was, it wasn't good."

"Tsu-"

"Hey, what are you guys talking about!?" came a bouncing voice from beside us. "You're all hush-hush and whisper-whisper and stuff! Don't leave me out!" Hinata.

Glancing over to Kageyama, I noticed the slight blush that had crept across his face. He seemed to both loosen and lighten up in the presence of his smaller partner. I wondered if that's what I did when Yamaguchi was around.

Soon I was greeted with the answer as he stumbled over to us, dizzy from dancing, and I felt my body tense so much I felt I would shatter if I was touched.

_I'm... scared of Yamaguchi?_

Kagayama and I were _certainly_ not in the same boat. He floated in a clear, tropical sea, whilst I fought against a tidal wave with a broken oar.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello waiter i'd like to replace my drink there's a depressed man in it  
> that's just your reflection sir


	3. Monday

Seeing as both Yamaguchi and I had left early the previous evening, I wasn't surprised to find him located at our usual morning meeting place at our usual morning meeting time with a severe case of No Hangover.

I had barely even drunk anything. Hinata had bought disgusting beer and bitter cider, and I lacked the motivation to endure the pain for a mere buzz.

Speaking of a buzz...

 **From: Kuroo**  
any news?

"That's a scary face, Tsukki!" Yamaguchi laughed. _Yeah. I really can't be arsed to deal with Kuroo right now._

 **To: Kuroo**  
read the fucking paper instead of asking me.

 **From: Kuroo**  
u kno thats not what i meant

_Obviously. I don't want to talk. Take a hint._

Stopping myself from typing a three paragraph long rant, I instead turned to face Yamaguchi.

"Sorry." _I'm glad to see you. Did you sleep well? I hope you have had enough rest. Have you eaten breakfast? If not, we can stop off at the corner shop on and I'll buy you something. Was that a shiver? It is pretty cold today. Do you want my jacket?_ "Good morning." I cursed my brain.

He giggled. "Morning! Did you sleep well, Tsukki?"

 _No._ "Yeah."

I exhaled deeply. I was just going to lie to him about everything now? That seemed cruel and unfair. I wondered if I would have told Yamaguchi about my restless flailing throughout the night if I hadn't told him I liked him. I wondered if it made any difference if he knew or not.

"Actually, I was up a lot." There. Now I wasn't so bad, right? He was my friend, after all. I had no reason to hide trivial things from him.

 _He's my friend._ That was both the answer and the problem.

"You do seem kind of tired lately," he commented, his eyebrows meeting each other in yet another concerned expression. _Stop doing that._ "Maybe you should stop reading until ungodly hours!"

I pouted. "When else am I going too do it?"

"During the day, like anyone else?"

"The night is the best time to read."

"Whatever you say, Tsukki!" His voice was like silk. "You have toothpaste on your cheek, by the way."

As he was reaching up to wipe it away, his fingers brushed lightly against my cheek. His hand was so soft. I could hardly breathe. Clearly noticing my growing blush, he continued anyway.

_How can he do this so casually, when he knows I like him?_

I swiped his hand away.

"Thanks," I mumbled, "I'll get it."

He looked kind of upset.

* * *

Sipping from an apple juice carton, I had comfortably seated myself on a bench in the gym beside Kageyama, who was repeatedly throwing a volleyball at the wall with unnecessary force and catching it. It looked like too much effort for lunchtime.

"Been a while since we've hung out, huh," he muttered. I wasn't sure if he was talking to me or himself; I didn't plan on looking up at him to confirm. "So, explain to me what happened." He didn't want to take his eyes off the ball to look at me, either. Typical.

"I told him and he said 'I'm sorry I can't return your feelings' or something and went home." Kageyama looked ( _almost_ ) as though he was deep in thought for a second before replying.

"He said 'can't', not 'don't'." I felt my grip tighten on the juice carton.

"I don't think such a trivial word choice matters much in this case. The intent is still the same."

"This could be one of those psychological workings, you know?" _No. I don't know._

"If you're not going to say anything useful, shut up." I didn't know why I had thought it a good idea to confide in Kageyama about this event. _'Alliances' are stupid,_ I decided.

"Trust me when I say he likes you, Tsukishima. More than likes, actually."

I bit down on the straw. That's what _everyone_ had said.

'It's _obvious_ he likes you.'

That's partly why I even managed to do it anyway. I was pathetically kind of convinced he might like me, too. Until I saw his face after what I said.

"That's just not true."

"It is."

"If it is, then why did he say the opposite of what he feels?"

"Don't you do that all the time?" I had no witty response for that.

"About what? How much sleep I got? A test score? Meaningless things. Never... romance," I shivered, "or whatever we're calling this." To shut myself up I brought the straw back to my mouth. Kageyama was smirking.

"I don't think he realises it's love."

"Bullshit. He's not an idiot like you or I. He knows _exactly_ what he feels and -" I stopped myself. _Just shut up, Kei._

"He'll realise his mistake soon." _Mistake?_ It was a _victory_ he wasn't going out with me. Possibly the best decision he'd made in his life. _I'm emotionally unavailable and severely lacking in the ability to express myself and -_

"I won't succumb to wishful thinking."

"Not wishful thinking if it's a fact."

At that, I left.

* * *

Gazing across at Yamaguchi walking beside me, I allowed myself to swim in his eyes as they scanned his text messages.

 _Remember the fence_.

_Maybe instead of a fence it should be a river. What are they called? Moats? My heart should have a moat around it. A giant moat. A chocolate moat. The same deep brown as his eyes. Woah, when the light passes over them they look kind of like stars. Look at them. Golden. Ah! He's looking at me._

"Tsukki," he said sternly. I almost tripped up. "You were staring."

"Uh, sorry," I replied, sounding a little too panicked for my liking. _Calm down, Romeo._

"Now you're all flustered!" He grinned at me. "You're so cute when you blush!"

Hastily, I shoved my glasses further up my nose. "Cute is not the word." He just smiled.

 _You're blushing too, Yamaguchi._ I wanted to tell him he looked cute as well, but I didn't. Part of me was overjoyed to have a compliment from him, but part of me felt it was unfair.

"Anyway, my mother just told me she's made cherry pie," Yamaguchi continued despite my internal conflict, "You want to come over and have some?"

Hell yeah I wanted to come over and have some. Yamaguchi's mother was an excellent baker. Ever since we were younger, I had always been enjoying the new sweets and treats she was trying out that week. Blessed was I to spend time with Yamaguchi under the care of his loving mother; she welcomed me in as if I was her own. I thought often that it was simply because I was one of the first people to become Yamaguchi's friend (if not, _the_ first), but Yamaguchi insisted that it was because she thought highly of me, but that it wouldn't make any difference, regardless. I thought it would made a lot of difference.

"Welcome home, Tadashi! It's lovely to see you again, Kei!" We were greeted with those gentle eyes. The eyes that looked at me the way they looked at their own flesh and blood.

It had always been a strange feeling to me - being accepted so quickly into someone's family. I felt almost... guilty. Like I hadn't earned my way in. Technically I hadn't. Plus, I hadn't really had to do much in order to stay in, either. God knows I hadn't always exactly treated Yamaguchi with the utmost of respect. Especially not recently.

Not a second after we reached his room, Yamaguchi practically collapsed onto the bed. I settled for his desk chair.

"Tired?" I asked, but it wasn't really a question.

"Exhausted!" He snuggled up against a plush bear. _So cute._

I was about to say it, too, but at the last second decided to tease him instead.

Smirking, I stretched out in the chair. "And after you _insisted_ we go home early yesterday so you could get enough sleep." He turned his face away from me.

"I didn't want to end up having too much so I left while I still could." Though his tone was lighthearted, I felt kind of like he wasn't talking about himself. _You didn't want me to get drunk either, right?_

"And yet you're still tired."

"Yes!" He crossed his arms like a child.

"You've practically done nothing today. Tired from what?"

"Thinking!" He made a face that suggested he hadn't meant to say that. Or shout it. I just watched him, steeling my face into a neutral expression. There was no use for me to push him. If he wanted to tell me something, he would. He always did.

Shifting himself about on the bed so he was kneeling, he continued hesitantly, "...Tsukki." I offered a hum of acknowledgement as I began fiddling with a frog shaped eraser on his desk. "How do you know you like boys?" 

I paused.

Trapping the frog in my hand, I answered, "I just do." I felt a toxic air filling the room around us.

"You think about them a lot?"

I made eye contact with him, hopefully conveying that I intended this to be my last sentence on this topic. "I think about them _enough._ "  The windows were closed. If we didn't end this soon, we would be struggling to breathe through the chemicals.

"You've kissed boys?" _Yes, actually, it was -_

"Why are we having this conversation, Yamaguchi?"

"You know why!" I felt like I could barely see him through purple gas.

"No. I don't." He shifted a bit. "Listen, I should get h-"

I was interrupted by the knocking of a door. "Pie!" Yamaguchi's mother called from the hallway. I glared at the door as if it had somehow done me a personal wrong and purposefully imprisoned me within the house.

Yamaguchi still wouldn't look at me.

_That's fine, then._

I decided I didn't want to look at him either.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wtf is going on with anyone here huh


	4. Tuesday

The second I opened my eyes, I was greeted with the ache of regret.

I had practically stormed out of Yamaguchi's house the previous night without so much as a 'thank you, goodbye'. I harshly demanded to myself that I apologise to Yamaguchi's mother the next time I saw her. How rude and inconsiderate of me.

After the first wave of guilt caused by my decision to flee from the situation, I was reminded of _what_ the situation itself actually had been.

Yamaguchi wanted to discuss liking boys.

I wanted to die.

How pathetic was I? That was probably a serious topic for someone like him, and I had been completely disrespectful of that. In the moment, I had felt like he was mocking me, and wanted to diminish or disprove my feelings, but this was _Yamaguchi_ we were talking about. He would _never_ do that.

_He must be confused about how he feels._

Rightfully so. I was being very confusing.

I told him I liked him, but then immediately attempted to distance myself from him. I could almost _hear_ him blaming himself.

I knew what it was like to be in Yamaguchi's position. Well, maybe not the position of having your best friend of several years confess to you and then treat you like a sweet wrapper and try to discard you, but rather the position of not knowing. Not knowing if you are interested in boys. I had probably sparked that discussion in his mind with my feeble attempt at asking him out.

It wasn't like I physically lacked the ability to have that conversation with him. I could possibly force myself to. I had even discussed it with Kageyama when he was struggling.

 _Well, not really 'discussed'. And you weren't exactly in the best state of mind._ I shut myself up.

It was just the fact that it was _Yamaguchi._ Who I liked. _Desperately._

Feelings were too difficult for someone like me.

Whilst buttoning up my shirt, I watched the frog eraser (which I had unintentionally stolen from Yamaguchi last night) as though it would jump straight off my bedside table if I took my eyes off it. _I need to give it back to him._

After readying myself for the school day, I wearily made my way down the stairs. Each step down was another painful thought.

_What if he doesn't forgive you for running away like that?_

_He definitely won't trust you now._

_You won't even be able to stay friends with him anymore._

Opening my hand, I glanced down at the frog again. If frogs could laugh, I was pretty sure this one would be doubling over in tears. My mother joined me by the front door.

"Good morning, Kei!" She kissed my forehead. I smiled. "That's a cute frog. Where did you get it?"

"It's just Yamaguchi's eraser. I... borrowed it."

"Make sure you return it unharmed, okay?" _It's not a real frog, mother._ Her sincerity over the safety of an eraser warmed me slightly. She was so kind. I wanted to tell her something. I wanted to tell her about what had happened with Yamaguchi.

"I think," I glared at the frog as though it was laughing at me again, "I may have done something bad, mother."

Her face softened when she looked at me. "What ever could you have done, Kei?" I couldn't say it.

"To Yamaguchi." My chest hurt. I noticed I was holding my breath. "To our friendship."

"Your friendship can survive anything." She smiled wider. "Think of how long you've been together already." _She's probably right._ "I know you can do the right thing, Kei."

 _The right thing... What is the right thing?_ Well, it certainly wasn't running away. It was probably just... talking to him.

It sounded easy in theory but impossible in practice.

I left the house with my mother's encouragement dancing about in my ears. Hastily I made my way over to Yamaguchi and I's usual morning meeting place.

He wasn't there.

I checked my phone. It was our usual morning meeting time. No texts.

I looked behind the nearest lamp post, as if he could somehow hide behind it. I couldn't believe he wouldn't show up. He always did, no matter what. That was how we had resolved most of our conflict.

There were no words to describe the emptiness I felt.

My whole body filled with water, overcompensating for the lack of feeling in my heart, and suddenly I was 3 times as heavy. Dragging myself to school was exhausting, and I could feel the liquid sloshing around inside me. I felt sick.

_Yamaguchi isn't walking with me. This is the first time in years I have walked to school by myself. It hurts so much. There's nobody to listen to. There's nobody to talk to._

I was being extremely melodramatic. I knew that, yet it still hurt and I felt like I was drowning.

Nearing school, I noticed a lonely figure leaning against the stone wall by the gate, staring at their feet as other students happily bustled inside.

_Is it? It is!_

_Yamaguchi, Yamaguchi, Yamaguchi,_ my mind repeated at top speed as I trudged onward. I wanted to shout for him, but all that came out of my mouth was the salt water I had been storing inside. I wanted to run to him, but I could only wade through the rising river at my feet. I thought I was going to choke.

Finally, he realised I was there and quickly put me out of my misery.

"Tsukki!" He rushed over so quickly I expected him to trip and fall onto the concrete. "I'm so sorry I didn't wait. I thought you wouldn't want to speak to me anymore after yesterday, but then I got here and I just couldn't go in to class without speaking to you. It didn't seem right at all! I feel so bad..."

_It's me who should be sorry and feel bad. Of course I want to speak to you, that's why I was walking towards you. I agree, it felt strange not talking to you or walking with you this morning. I'm so glad to see you here and to find that you're not furious with me._

I knew that I hadn't said any of that out loud.

"No," I paused to cough up some more water. "It's okay." I held out my hand. "I accidentally left with this yesterday. I figured you would need it." He stared wide eyed at his frog eraser. I thought he was going to cry.

Instead, he did the last thing I expected.

Giving my brain no time to process what was happening, his arms swiftly wrapped around me as if I was falling backwards and he needed to grab me before I disappeared forever. He snuggled himself into me so tightly I thought he would have a nosebleed.

After the initial shock and embarrassment wore off, I accepted how comfortable it was. Hesitantly, I placed my hand on his back, prepared to move it away if he didn't like it. He relaxed further.

" _I'm_ sorry," I whispered.

His hands gripped the back of my shirt.

* * *

Unfortunately, the first ten minutes of my lunch time were spent returning some late maths homework to my teacher. The corridors were reasonably empty at this time, and I was glad for a moment's peace.

Of course, it wasn't long before I was getting a lecture.

"Thank you for bringing this to me as soon as you could, but I have to say I expect better from you, Tsukishima." _Did you? Did you_ have _to say that?_

"I apologise. It was my mistake," I replied.

"Its very unlike you to disrespect a homework deadline. Is everything okay?"

"Everything is fine." _No, I may have encountered a troubling issue last weekend which prevented me from working during my free time._ "It was simply that I wrongly assumed the deadline date."

He stared at me for a second longer than I would've liked. "Okay, then," he placed the sheets on his desk, "next time you hand it in during the assigned lesson, and not a minute later."

"Of course."

Closing the door, I sighed to myself. I was running out of sighs.

I opened my phone, and was surprisingly glad to see a text.

 **From: Kuroo**  
u feeling any better now ?

 **To: Kuroo**  
yeah, i'm sorry for yesterday.

 **From: Kuroo**  
sokay asshole ur having a rough time  
care to give me the deets?

I typed as I made my way outside.

 **To: Kuroo**  
i did tell him i like him but he told me 'i'm sorry i can't return your feelings' and went home. i went to a party at hinata's with him. nothing happened but kageyama got all buddy friend pal with me because 'we're in the same boat' so now he knows about this whole thing. i went round yamaguchi's and he tried to talk about liking boys and i freaked and left, but i think he's forgiven me now cus he hugged me this morning but i'm just like what is happening at this point.

I knew Kuroo would laugh upon reading my frantic message.

 **From: Kuroo**  
wow tsukki youve had quite the couple of days

 **To: Kuroo**  
i know.

I considered typing a sad face, too. Yamaguchi would've done something like that. I decided against it.

 **From: Kuroo**  
what do umean by 'talk about liking boys' though

 **To: Kuroo**  
like, he asked me how i knew, and stuff like that.

 **From: Kuroo**  
not that i know the ins and outs of yamaguchis brain bt it sounds like hes probably never thought about who he likes before

We both sent a message at the same time.

 **To: Kuroo**  
and now he is because i told him i like him

 **From: Kuroo**  
and because you told him that you like him now hes like well if he likes me who and what do i like then?  
yeah exactly

 **To: Kuroo**  
i'm going to talk to him now and see what he says.

 **From: Kuroo**  
good luck then  
but i dont think you need it  
its no secret we all know WHO and WHAT he likes ;)  
HE just needs to realise !

 **To: Kuroo**  
sure

I was thankful to see Yamaguchi seated under the tree where we often ate lunch together. A soft breeze rustled his already unkempt hair, and petals fell softly around him. He was like an angel who nature rushed to greet. I couldn't help but stare.

"Hi, Tsukki!" he called. "I managed to get here before anyone else did!"

"I'm glad to see that." He had brought my lunch outside with him, too. I smiled and sat beside him. "I wanted to, uh, talk."

"Same. I'm sorry about yesterday. I shouldn't have brought it up. It's _my_ problem and it's got nothing to do with you, so I shouldn't have roped you in like that."

"I can't say I agree that it's got _nothing_ to do with me." He smiled sadly.

"Yeah... I guess it's _everything_ to do with you. Kind of. And to do with me."

"You were right to tell me. I was wrong to... run away like that."

"I know you find that kind of stuff hard. But, you must've had this problem, too! And, you're my best friend. You're the only person I could tell without feeling judged." His eyes were so warm. "I'm sorry, again."

"Don't be. I want to, uh... help?" _Help?_ I had no idea how to help with _words._

"Really?!" I was a bit sad at how surprised he sounded.

"Of course. It's hard. Figuring out what kind of person you like."

"Yeah..." He was looking at me strangely. I couldn't read it. "It really is." He looked away again. "I had never really thought about it before, but when you told me I thought, 'Well, who and... what do _I_ like, then?' or something like that."

Kuroo's smirking face appeared in my head. _That was practically word for word. Congratulations._

"I think it's mean of me to have you help me, though," Yamaguchi almost whispered.

"Why?"

"Since you... like me." It sounded difficult for him to say. "I feel like I'm playing with your emotions or something." _Always so considerate._ I smiled.

"You're not. I can deal with it."

_Can I?_

* * *

Practice was finally over. I silently rejoiced as I trailed after Yamaguchi to leave the gym.

"Oi, Tsukishima." Of course, Kageyama was always available to rain on my parade. "We can clear up."

We waited for the others to filter out of the door before beginning any kind of conversation.

"This about our little _alliance?_ " I teased, tossing a volleyball to Kageyama, who stood near the storage.

"Sure. You and Yamaguchi seemed better today. What happened?"

"Kissed and made up."

"Really?!"

"Of course not. It's a saying."

"Right."

I sighed. "He doesn't know if he likes boys or not and I stupidly offered to help."

"Oh." Kageyama's face suddenly went kind of blank.

"Yeah, exactly."

"I assume you're gonna kiss him, then?"

"I am _not._ "

"Why?"

" _Why?_ Because I _like_ him. That's why you came to me instead of Hinata. You can't just go around making out with people you like because they want to _experiment,_ or whatever. That's just painful. And, remember, we're 'in the same boat' here." I sounded more annoyed than I felt.

"That was _not_ making out! If it was, then it was terrible, and I dread to imagine just what your _kisses_ are like."

"You know what I meant."

"I do. And, Tsukishima, it wasn't terrible."

I had to agree. "No, it wasn't."

 _Not because it was you,_ we both thought in silence. We knew why it wasn't terrible. We didn't need to say it.

"If you can't kiss him, how else are you supposed to help? No offence," - _none taken_ \- "but you're not exactly the most gifted and talented person at sharing and discussing emotions. Not that _I'm_ one to talk, really."

"Who else is his friend? Hinata, right? He should go speak to Hinata or something. I'll tell him."

"No, you won't." A royal command. "Why the fuck would you even suggest that?"

My reply was too quick. "It's only fair." Kageyama shot me the most sorrowful face I had ever seen him pull.

"It's not, because Hinata's not the problem."

"The problem is boys. Hinata's a boy. Therefore Hinata could be the problem. We don't know. Hinata is the problem."

"Stop talking so fast."

"Sorry."

Kageyama placed the last volleyball into the storage, and turned towards me. "His problem isn't whether he likes boys. It's whether he likes _you._ "

I had no response.

I could only think back to what Yamaguchi had said to me earlier.

 _"I guess it's_ everything _to do with you... and to do with me."_

 _So, it's to do with..._ us?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> emotionally unavailable man attempts to discuss feelings (some of this kind of doesnt make sense but it will after the next chapter lel?)


	5. Wednesday

It was Wednesday - the day Yamaguchi and I did homework together after school. The churning feeling in the pit of my stomach warned me that we probably wouldn't be doing much work this evening, and that was not a good thing.

We were going to have to talk.

To anyone with the ability to communicate, this would most likely have sounded like a reasonably easy task, but to me it was as though I had been asked to fly.

In truth, I had next to no idea how to have such a conversation with anybody, let alone Yamaguchi. When confronted with this issue, I had always solved it with actions, not words. I knew that he wasn't the type to do that. He'd want to talk about it before getting himself involved.

'Getting involved' for Yamaguchi meant doing something, and for me it was saying something.

I knew he'd probably have a slight issue with my method of choice, too.

I watched Yamaguchi reach out and delicately tilt the handle of his front door to open it. He had beautiful hands. _Will they ever touch me like that?_

The half-constucted fence around my heart was collapsing, plank by plank. I wondered if it was a bad thing or not. Yamaguchi would think the latter. _Maybe I should, too._

Upon entering the house, Yamaguchi's mother appeared to greet us with the same smiling face as always, unfazed by my actions on Monday evening. I felt pleasantly terrible.

"I'm sorry for my outburst the last time I was here," I spoke louder than usual, bowing so far down I thought my head would hit the floor.

"Tsukki, stop," Yamaguchi muttered sympathetically, gently placing a hand on my back, smoothing out the creases in my shirt. I stood up properly almost immediately, shocked to have been touched.

Shaking my head, I continued, "No, it was extremely impolite of me. To both of you. I'm sorry. I was... I just..." I suddenly couldn't think of anything to say. I cursed my brain.

"He was feeling really ill," Yamaguchi interrupted, sensing my struggle. "Just before you knocked, Tsukki mentioned he was considering going back home as he wasn't feeling well at all. The mention of food mustn't have helped!" He smiled brightly at his mother. _He's so pretty._ I brushed my hand against his to say thank you.

Yamaguchi's mother smiled warmly at me, her face creasing to suggest it was genuine. "I understand. I hope you are feeling better now, Kei?"

"Much better," I responded, hoping Yamaguchi would understand I meant I wasn't upset with him anymore. His shy grin seemed to indicate he did.

Taking my hand, he led me up the stairs to his room. Staring at our clasped hands, I basked in the comfort of being close to him. Why he was doing this, I had no idea. I had been here countless times. I could probably walk from the front door to his room with my eyes closed. I didn't need leading.

The blush on my cheeks informed me I liked it, regardless.

 _I want to see his eyes,_ I thought. I wanted to know what he was thinking when he reached out to me like that. _A friendly gesture? Oh, yeah. He 'can't return my feelings'._

I watched his back instead.

Yamaguchi ushered me into his room and shut the door behind us. _If I wasn't claustrophobic before, I am now._

Like always, Yamaguchi practically bounded onto his bed and seated himself on top of his pillows, leaning back on the headboard, and I made my way to his desk chair. This time, I was stopped with a, "Tsukki."

I turned around so fast I could've got whiplash.

"Yeah?"

"Come sit on the bed." He patted the sheets in front of him.

"Uh... sure."

 _This is fine. You've sat there with him a million times before. Why does it make any difference now?_ I told myself as I sauntered over, the distance to the bed suddenly feeling a mile away instead of approximately three steps.

Feeling the mattress dip as I sat on it, I shuffled myself into a comfortable spot on the white sheets, resting my back against the walls covered in posters and drawings.

He loved art.

You could tell by the way he spoke about it. His eyes lit up just that tiny bit brighter, his body slanted forward slightly, and his ears perked up a bit, kind of like a cat upon hearing its name.

I once mentioned it to Kuroo, who had only smirked at me and said, "Only _you_ would notice that, _Tsukki._ Besides, that's what you look like right now. Talking about Yamaguchi."

It was kind of embarrassing, but I secretly hoped that one day I might be able to tell him to his face how much I liked him, and to have him notice the way I looked, too.

Immediately after, I told my brain that was a pretty stupid thought.

"So, how do you think I can figure things out?" Yamaguchi's voice snapped me back to the present.

"No hesitation, huh?" I sort of smirked, but held it back. "No need to beat around the bush?"

"You know me." He _did_ smirk. "I'm very to-the-point!"

"That you are."

Neither of us said anything for a moment. I knew it was my cue to continue speaking, but I chose to ignore it.

"So," Yamaguchi began, clearing his throat, "are you going to... say something, or?"

 _I don't know if I'm ready to tell you. I've never talked about this before._ The sympathetic look on his face indicated he possibly understood what I couldn't say.

"I don't know if I'll be of much help to you, Yamaguchi."

"Why not?"

"Because you want to figure yourself out by talking to me. _I_ never talked to anyone, so I don't know what to say to you."

"Tell me what _you_ did, then!" I didn't respond. "I mean, you don't have to. It's just that I wanted to know, really. I thought... you might want to tell someone. I mean, I thought you might want to tell _me._ "

_I do want to tell you. I want to tell you lots of things. That's kind of why I can't._

"I do want to tell you about myself," I mumbled whilst pushing my glasses up my face, half-hoping he wouldn't hear me. He did.

"And, I want to hear it."

"You can't get mad at me, alright?" I wasn't sure if I was joking or not. "I was never any good with these situations. Especially when it involved me."

Yamaguchi laughed, "I won't get mad."

"Okay." I paused for a second before blurting out (very quickly), "Basically I kissed a guy. Technically I kissed two guys. To see if I liked it or not. Well, the second time wasn't for me, really. It was for him. But it helped me. With a different problem. I guess."

"I see!" Yamaguchi's eyes lit up as though he were on the cusp of a great revelation. "That's a very practical way to go about it."

"You know me?" I attempted to shoot his earlier words back at him, but I lacked the confidence he had.

"I do." His eyes seemed to soften. I wondered why and how that could be. "I don't really understand what you mean by the second kiss, though?"

 _Of course you ask about that._ "Yeah, uh, it was a... weird situation?"

"Care to elaborate on that, Tsukki?"

_No, not really._

"Sure." Yamaguchi sat up cross-legged, leaning forward expectantly. "Remember when we all got absolutely fucking obliterated at Asahi's that one time?"

"...No?"

"Oh, yeah. You fell asleep early like a coward."

"I had a good night's rest, thank you very much."

"I don't doubt it." I furrowed my eyebrows. "Anyway, it was really late and I needed to piss so bad."

"Too much info, Tsukki."

"Yeah, well, brace yourself for this, then." He laughed. "I was walking to the bathroom. Well, stumbling and feeling my way along by running my hand on the walls, as I was still _fucked._ I got there, and, uh, Kageyama was in front of the door."

" _Kageyama?_ Usually he goes to bed at a reasonable time when we all get together."

"There's a first time for everything." I scowled.

"Scary face, Tsukki."

"Sorry."

"Continue!" he demanded, shuffling closer to my side.

"Well, he's pissed too, obviously. I was trying to ask him to move but he was really upset about whatever."

Yamaguchi nodded. "Heightened emotions when you're drunk."

"Yeah. He kept asked me to, uh, you know." He raised his eyebrows. "Kiss him. I remember it was annoying me, but, uh, I did it anyway."

"You kissed Kageyama?!"

"I was pissed. He was pissed. We were both very drunk, Yamaguchi."

"I guess I just didn't really expect it to be Kageyama!"

"Tell me about it." I scowled again, before looking down at my hands in my lap, struggling to continue. I wanted to be honest with him. "It was okay, though. It was okay for him, too. Not because he was kissing me. He was kissing Hinata. Not literally, but in his mind. He wanted to know if he liked him or not, and I guess he found out." I closed my eyes, my head still hanging. "I wasn't kissing him, either."

"It was me, wasn't it?"

My heart was in my throat, and I couldn't move.

"Don't be angry," I managed to cough up.

"I'm far from it!" He was beaming as he snuggled into my side, wrapping his arms around my stomach. "I'm happy that you managed to figure out your feelings, Tsukki. Kageyama, too." Shocked, I left my arm hanging awkwardly in the air above him. "It didn't make things weird between you? You can put your arm down, by the way."

Hesitantly, I brought my arm down around his back, and gently pushed him close to me. _What the hell is this meant to be?_ I decided not to question him.

Although I thought I was going to hyperventilate upon his initial reaction to this whole fiasco, I was extremely relieved that he didn't seem to care about the event any more than I did. It was just something that happened. A thing that had occurred.

"It, uh, didn't make things weird. I mean, we didn't speak properly for a while, but we're fine now. It didn't mean anything between us, so we have no reason to be strange about it."

"That makes sense." He sighed. I felt it on my skin. "Who was the first guy you kissed, then?"

"Kuroo," I snickered. There was a brief, but heavy pause, before both of us were laughing in a way I had never thought possible for myself. It _was_ pretty funny.

Yamaguchi wiped tears from his eyes as he spoke, "Wow, Tsukki, I can't believe you've hidden all this gossip from me all this time! I've been missing out!" His arms were around me again. "Could've guessed that one, though. You too have always had a weird thing going on," he teased.

"He fucking _wishes._ "

"How was it?"

"Oh, Kuroo's too rough for me. I guess we know what Kenma's into," I joked. I found myself admiring the top of Yamaguchi's head. I couldn't see his face. "I guess I'd prefer something softer."

"Sweeter," he whispered in agreement.

 _Sweeter?_  I thought, turning my attention to the vast, white ceiling above me.

"I guess I just want someone to take care of me," Yamaguchi continued, talking to my legs. I kind of wished he would look at me, but at the same time I didn't want him to see my face, "like you have, Tsukki."

My mind was blank.

"Yeah... I want that for you, too."

He hummed in response.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im sorry my writing is more like reading a script than a story most of the time rip. i like dialogue a lot. and direct + literal sentences. and then random metaphors that dont seem to fit anywhere and you cant really tell if its meant to be a metaphor or not. fantastic

**Author's Note:**

> poor tsukki


End file.
